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Henry John Kelsey IV
Gleaner Staff 
There's always room for J-E-L-L-O

 Henry John Kelsey IV
Gleaner Staff

 On Oct. 9, a packed house of spiky hairs, suits, tattoos, and punks, both young and not so young; eagerly awaited the appearance of Jello Biafra (a proud atheist) at the pulpit of the First Unitarian Church  in Philadelphia.  A former Green Party presidential candidate, Biafra  gained both fame and infamy as the frontman for the legendary Dead Kennedys. In 1980, in the height of the Punk Rock movement in San Francisco Biafra ran for mayor in the city's last real, three party election. His later trial at the hands of Tipper Gore (whom he despises) and the PMRC, and his acquittal for the crime of distributing harmful material to children is the stuff of legend. 
 Biafra entered the church from the sacristy in back of the stage donning a floor length black robe, similar to that worn by judges, and a pair of black goggle type sun glasses which covered both eyes completely.  He began his speech booming:  "We interrupt this program to bring you a special announcement: the United States of America is now under martial law!"  He then broke into a barrage of images expanding on this theme.  He criticized laws prohibiting the use of drugs, and sarcastically remarked that "drugs prescribed by your coach, boss, supervisor, or the mummers" are the only ones which should be taken.  This comment was met with both thunderous laughter and applause.  After approximately 30 minutes, Biafra removed his robe and glasses to reveal a San Francisco police uniform.  He then quipped that since he was in a church he should ask "big questions" and immediately delved into his critique of all of our nation's leaders.  He is quite fond of referring to the two major political parties as "Republi-crats", intimating that they are in fact both fingers on the same hand.  He asked: "Who can tell me what George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Tom Daschle, Tom Delay, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Hillary Clinton have in common?" Pausing briefly after rattling the names off in one breath,  he then quickly answered:  They're all in favor of war with Iraq, and yet, none of them have been to war."  Allowing for a brief response of mixed hissing, and laughing, he then remarked: "the closest is King George II who was in the National Guard."  And so went the night.  Jello spent a majority of the time revealing intimate connections between the higher ups of the Democratic and Republican parties, and criticizing the members of each. 
 Some of the other highlights of the night include Biafra's remarks on Tom Ridge, in which he criticized his position on the death penalty in the Mumia-Abul Jamal case. Ross Perot was blamed for the California  energy crisis,  and he voiced opposition to nuclear arms and the war against terror (which he from thereon referred to as T.W.A.T.)  He offered unlimited free Alternative Tentacles (the record label he both owns and operates) merchandise to anyone who could procure for him some of the hard candies he claims are circulating in Pakistan which bare the likeness of Osama Bin Laden. 
  Before finishing his five hour lecture, Biafra also weighed in on the Florida election fiasco, saying "Ralph Nader didn't cost Al Gore the election, Al Gore cost Al Gore the election! There's a reason why 97,000 people voted for Ralph Nader."  His personal philosophy on voting is as follows: "I would rather vote for something I want and not get it than vote for something I don't want and get it."  He then in his closing urged that everyone in attendance "not buy from, nor work for," large exploitive corporations, naming specifically McDonalds, Blockbuster, and Starbucks (how's that for a coincidence-see the last three issues of the Gleaner for the Rutgers debate on this issue).  He left the audience with one closing thought, instead of complaining about what we don't want in our politics, we should consider what we do want.  He quipped: "Do you know what we would really do if we had a chance to do it?" Rather ominous, don't you think?
  At 12:15am the speech ended and Biafra descended the pulpit to enter into dialog with the many now surrounding the stage. He signed autographs, answered questions, and provided contact information to anyone else wishing to book him for future speaking engagements.  I asked Jello his opinion of current controversy surrounding Amiri Baraka, New Jersey's Poet Laureate (reference my article in last weeks Gleaner), and he said in response:  "I think he's a little far-fetched in that, I mean, Bush didn't have to let them blow it up, he could have used the U.S.S. Cole for that."  He then added, "Noam Chomsky (a prominent critic of US foreign policy) isn't down with that either." Biafra remained there till after 12:50 so as to acknowledge each question or request addressed him. 

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